my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
