Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
