Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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