You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
