I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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