going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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