I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
not ubering you a puppy
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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