Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
