I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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