At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize