Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
