I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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