I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
