Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
