saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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