I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm getting married
To pizza
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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