she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
