I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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