Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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