I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
