she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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