just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You ruined the universe
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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