my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
