Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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