I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
