Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
