No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
