i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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