If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need a beard to bite.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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