I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
