I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
