Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
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