Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
