You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
