I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
