Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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