Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
