On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
