Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
