I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
