I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dignity is for republicans.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
