Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
