you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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