I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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