I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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