seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
