hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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