So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
