i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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