Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize