I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
