Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
