Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize