Need sex. Gaining weight.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
