So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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